Speak What We Feel

Lord please forgive me for my sins

Once again

The inevitable redundance of prayer

The inability to change my ways

They notice a pattern developing

Yet I still believe

.

She is every woman I’ve ever known

Half past, Half present

The latter often leave me dissatisfied

While the former

This part if her weighs heavily on my subconscious

She haunts me

She has entered my dreams

Freudian dreams of wish fulfillment

Visions of lust, revenge, vengeance, even love

I strain to compress these thoughts

Detoxify

My mind and body, my soul untouched

..

This facade is becoming a burden

This persona, this masquerade

A certain lifestyle I claim to sustain

I am not the man you think I am

You’ve been deceived for so long

If only they knew how

I pretend to love it, but I only covet

I see the man I desire to be

Not in the mirror, but all around me

Broken hearts of broken Glass

Only few know whom I truly love

…

When it rains outside is the only time

She’s wet

And yet I always seem to forget

Self reflect in a house of mirrors

Then maybe you’ll understand

I was blessed to be attracted to the opposite sex

But cursed for her to be something I’m not

Save the Last Dance Syndrome:

Women of Ebony angered by my attraction to their Ivory female counterparts

For I am a part of the Talented Tenth

And she was born a different shade than I

Their tainted views of my tinted skin holding hands with her porcelain paw

They all tried to warn me, but I declined

 If only I’d listened all along

They were right, she was wrong

..

I tried to borrow time

But the interest was too high

I tried to get a loan of love

But my credit was too low

Letting the past affect my present

A shy little boy transformed

Into what some call an egotistical asshole

Once they took away his self-confidence

It was all down hill from there

.

I am him

They are gone

He is I

She is still there

I am Alone

-Donovan Thomas

You’ve probably been wondering why I haven’t posted any poems lately

I’m not 100 percent sure why myself

Maybe it’s because nothing between us has changed

Every word I ever wrote about you still applies

We still never converse, once a Mime always a Mime

You have yet to reveal to me how you truly feel

Ever since I first asked you way back on Friday the 13th

And you still have yet to let me see things from your Point of View

You’ve given me no new inspiration, that is until now

Last weeknd you called me drunk, you and your friends

The first time we spoke in weeks

And all that I could make out of your intoxicated speech was,

“You didn’t keep your promise.”

I hung up, which is symbolic of the fact that I’m trying to move on

So convinced that every girl I fall for is some how meant for me

Just another muse turned perfect stranger

But I’m still hoping that maybe you’ll call me sober one day

-Donovan Thomas (5/7/12)

I’m not asking for your forgiveness

But I guess you’ll just have to forgive me for getting my hopes up

For finally being optimistic about something in my life

I thought that maybe you’d moved on, that maybe you’d become immune to the past, that you could at least stand his presence, even within your place of refuge

I expected you to be strong

But I’ve realized, looking back, that just about all of our problems have stemmed from me expecting too much of you; or maybe even of one another

I can’t tell you that you should be over it by now or to forgive and forget

But you could at least fight your own battles

It’s so easy for you and your friends to put all of the blame on him

They act on your behalf so blindly, even without your request

But I know so much more than they do

They know the side you told them

I know the side you don’t want them to know, the side you forgot to mention

I know everything, both sides of the story

I know what happened at the beginning of it all

Back when I told you everything that was at stake, when I warned you of what could happen, and even gave you a different option

Back when you had the power to stop all of this from transpiring; the first snowflake before the avalanche

You were the one who ignored all of the signs and all of the advice of your closest friends

Trust me, I was there every step of the way

I saw the evils done by both parties, I held you in my arms as you cried, I supported you as long as I could before realizing that you were determined for this to destroy you

I stopped giving you the sympathy that you craved and even desperately needed

Because I recognized that everything he was doing, you allowed him to do

Relationships involve more than one person, there was no gun to your head

No matter how manipulative someone is, that person can only take what you give them

There were so many opportunities for me to say, “I told you so.”

But almost every time, I decided otherwise

Now you tell me you need space, space you already took

What a relief to no longer concern myself with your relationships with other men

I learn from my mistakes

I now find freedom in being a bystander

Simply because now, I know better

-Donovan Thomas
3/18/12-3/19/12 

Sometimes I close my eyes just to look into the darkness

Shadows on the wall begin to resemble the people I used to know

Each tick of the clock gets louder and louder

Increasingly violent

I sit here and try to fight time

A fist fight with the hour, minute, and second hands

I battle the very hands of time, dueling with the contemplation of my own existence

As my mind wanders, I realize that no matter how hard I try

Time always manages to pass me by. It flies while I stay grounded

Sometimes I cover my ears just to hear the silence

It echoes as my thought mellow

My feelings of hope and optimism have been destroyed

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you

And I don’t mean that literally

All of the days that go by without you crossing my mind I cherish

Because I’ve discovered your true intentions

Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate what I see

I’m still unsure as to whether I’m becoming who I want to be

So consumed with self examination

That it has turned into self consumption

I’m done feeling sorry for myself, or anybody else for that matter

Even though I thought things would be different by now

Surrounded by so much artificial connection and false friendship

That I’m beginning to wonder whether or not I even exist

Where is the feel in life?

I’m here, you’re here, but we’re not together

Sometimes I close my eyes just to press down on my eyelids and look into the deformed light that is my life

-Donovan Thomas
3/5/12-3/18/12 

She was the last girl I ever wanted to inspire me

These heart breaking verses were never to be about her

She was my biggest fan

Now I feel Eminem must’ve felt when writing Stan

Hard to believe this was all brought about by a facebook status

Guess if I didn’t speak what I feel, this never would’ve happened

She had different motives then the rest of them, so in my mind I know this is different

But my heart can’t acknowledge the contrast, and the pain is still the same

This vast disconnect between the heart and mind, unable to come to an agreement on their differences

I wish I could press rewind, for I miss the days when things were simple, not only between us, but in life

But wishes are for the weak, for those unable to face what’s in front of them and make the changes necessary to move forward

And so I press on, hoping to remove all toxic people or qualities from my life

One of those qualities being lust, one of those people…God willingly not being her

-Donovan Thomas
2/26/2012 

I tried to make it special

I tried to make you the one

But you’ve made the choice to stay

To rescue you from repetition

To free you from repeated intimate encounters with false motives

Motives that you’re oblivious to

Blinded by nostalgia

Years removed from the source of the long lost love

Forgive me for my failed attempts at rescuing you

Showing you something different

Offering you a glass of water 

Of spontaneity

When for so long you’re been sipping from a cup liquor

Of addiction

Water vs. Liquor 

Change vs.  Regurgitation

One replenishes the other suffocates

The lesser of two evils as you compare and contrast 

Consider the depth of each

To which would the significance be as substantial?

But you would not even sample the replacement

Rather continue to drink 

From the same cup that has fed you the same drug for years

The same intoxication, a different excuse as to why not change

Do what’s best for you.

Who am I to tell you anything different.

I offer my alternatives

I await your response

I cringe at the answer.

Yet I continue to care for you.

As if none of this ever happened?

Yeah.

Let’s pretend.

That this is all a dream.

All you need to do is

Wakeup

Before you fall into a sound sleep

And become unreachable

-Donovan Thomas